Today I felt so much more refreshed after a good night's rest. I got the kids off to school and then the little one and I went for a long walk. We walked about 3 miles. It was so nice to feel the sun on my face and enjoy the last of the bright fall leaves. It was also neat to see a large cement truck filling up a foundation for a new house near our neighborhood.
I felt pretty bad about myself today as I got ready and decided that I was due for a hair cut so I went to a salon for a trim. I love having someone else wash, cut and comb my hair. I also picked out some color to cover my ever whitening head of hair. (But hey, someday I will make a super cute Mrs. Claus au natural) I decided to pick up a salad at my favorite place Costa Vida for lunch with the little because my kids get out of school early on Fridays and I didn't want to go home and then turn around and come back in fifteen minutes.
When I got home, I ate a piece of chocolate because I "deserved a treat because I did so great at exercising." Ugh! As L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables would say I fell into the "depths of despair." One little Halloween candy bar and my whole life is ruined now! The onset of negativity attacked me and made me defeated within minutes. Minutes!
Negative voice: "Wow, Karen, you just ate a piece of candy, I thought that you were going to go 'sugar free."
"You will never lose weight now if you continue to eat this stuff."
"See you shouldn't make these kinds of goals, you are such a loser. You will never amount to anything. You certainly will stay fat FOREVER."
Wow! In the past, I would feel so bad, I would comfort myself with another piece of candy and then maybe another.
I didn't! Yeah! One tiny victory for me today. I decided to blog about it instead.
Now let's start to overcoming negativity but attacking it! Let's attack the statement and add another positive statement.
1) Today I did get a lot of great exercise. I enjoyed the beautiful world around me and I got to "soak up the sun."
2) Yes I ate a piece of candy and it isn't good for me, however, I have turned to food and crap as a way of rewarding myself, comforting myself, and even fighting boredom for these last twenty years and I am not going to change that just within one day. "Hello, my name is Karen Painter. Too much chocolate will give you diabetes. Prepare to die!" I have to give myself time. At least I ate one instead of five! I will get better as I find more positive ways to reward myself, turn to writing or my husband and friends for comfort, and find better ways to channel my boredom (like getting outside with my kids)
3) I want to be sugar free. I truly do. I need to take it one day at a time. If I have a little victory every day, then eventually I will be victorious!
3) True. If I only ate junk food all day then yes I would never lose weight. However, I did eat a very healthy breakfast and lunch. I still have a great chance of good eating ahead of me. I can do it and I will.
4) I can make as many goals for myself as I want. I am strong and I can do hard things. I am not a loser. I am a great mother, a loving wife, a good friend and a skilled writer. I have brought three amazing boys into this world. They are all of the reward I will ever need. I have a hell of a lot more life to go. I am only in my mid 30s. I hope to still be kicking around way into my 90s.
5) I will not stay fat forever. I will lose the weight and I will also lose my battle sugar and with negativity. I will become someone I have always wanted to be.
Now to just keep this type of dialogue in my head-- not the running list of negatives.
I was able to take the two younger kids to a park while we took the oldest to a piano lesson. I realize that I have become one of "those moms" who just looks at their phone (I am usually reading a book), but I decided to put it down and just play. "Play, play, play and shake it off, shake it off." The kids and I played tag and if you ran to touch a tree then you were safe. Then we played "Red light, green light" and "Mother May I." It took me back to the times I was a kid playing at my friends' house. I want my kids to remember me as a 'fun' mom, not a mom who doesn't do anything with us.
I struggled with making dinner. Who doesn't want to just order pizza on a Friday night? I tried a new recipe and it really wasn't the best. Sometimes I let the attacks on the food I make, turn into personal attacks. Just because my husband doesn't like the chicken that I made, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. How ridiculous! I have become a much better cook over the years and that is just one recipe I do not need to repeat. Yet I let one negative thought take me away to negative land tonight and because I beat myself up with other negative thoughts, then of course I felt depressed. I then comforted myself with more of my kids' stolen Halloween candy. What a mess! It is a cycle that needs to be broken!
There was a cute thing that I saw on Pinterest today though about picking more notable rewards for myself for meeting my weight loss goals--that are not associated with food. I thought it was funny that she posted how she used to reward herself with an ice cream from McDonald's and a Big Mac.
http://burchikins.blogspot.com/2014/01/weight-loss-reward-chart.html
I just go for Reeses' shakes at Artic Circle or grab some kind of chocolate. Oh chocolate the bane of my existence! Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography, I am addicted to the rush I get for just a minute from chocolate. It really can't be any other kind of candy. Chocolate is the only fix. But then I eat more to get more of a fix. It is a horrible cycle. Maybe I just beat myself up so I can feel bad so I can justify eating crap??
So this will be my assignment for tomorrow, is to make my own reward list. ;) Maybe I just need a good old fashioned sticker chart. I think I will get some Volkswagen stickers and Rainbow Bright and Strawberry Shortcake. I think I will also need some She-Ra ones.
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