I started off strong, but fizzled as the last few weeks have gone by. Staying motivated is really hard for me when you have so many other things at this time of year weighing on your mind. I guess my real problem right now is the Overwhelmed Bug. I feel like I have such a long way to go that it is hard to put one foot in front of the other. I really want to. But this is more about my journey to a new Karen, not just my "weight loss" journey.
So--while the number on the scale may still be high and I am still "a bowl full of jelly" I have to look at the last year and how far I have come on my life's journey.
Dec. 19-2013- I cleaned my Clinton house for the last time, from top to bottom, leaving behind the new light fixtures, kitchen counter top, and definite blood, sweat, tears, and teeth that I gave to painting that home.
In March, before we put the house up for sale, I was painting about 15 feet on a ladder, every time I lifted the roller, the ladder beneath me slipped just a little bit. It was so gradual, I did not notice. Finally, it just collapsed out from under me. I feel into the ladder and one of the slides came up into my face. It broke my upper jaw and sliced open my face. I was "home alone" with just my littlest taking a nap at the time. It was time to go and get my kids from school and my husband just had to be in an important meeting with the vice president at the time so he could not come and get me. I called my friend and she came and checked on me. She got my children from school while I waited for Ryan to come home from work to take me to the ER.
Forty stitches into front and another who knows how many on the inside to put my lips back together. First "tender mercy" here is that the ER doctor who saw me, interned with a plastic surgeon and he did a beautiful job with the stitches. The second tender mercy is that I did not break my leg where I also landed. I was extremely blessed.
Next "tender mercy" was when I saw an oral surgeon named Michael Broadbent who was recommended by my dentist. He was the nicest, most understanding, most amazing surgeon I have ever met. He took my husband and I into his deserted office way after closing time and did x-rays and found the fracture in my upper jaws. He had two pull one of my teeth but told me to wait until the jaw was mostly healed.
Six months later, I had a bone graft, then another six months later, an implant.
Back to moving--we left behind a great bunch of friends in our old neighborhood. We had lived there for eight years and had met some amazing people. It was just not a house that we could see ourselves in for another thirty years. Our boys are getting bigger (especially our oldest) and they needed more space and the chance that many of the kids they played with in the neighborhood wouldn't move in the next year because most of the houses had become rentals.
Dec 20-25, We stayed with my husband's parents at their house. It was good, but hard to spend Christmas homeless. We were able to move into our new home the day after Christmas.
January to April- I struggled. I really did. I missed my ward, I missed my friends. I probably gained fifteen pounds just moving here because I felt miserable and I medicated myself with food. I also wasn't as active as I needed to be. I just didn't feel up to it. I forced myself to smile, to get to know other people in the new ward and to try. But I felt so empty- so lost. I didn't want to go to Church. I even thought about leaving the Church for several months and trying a beer or maybe twenty, anything to escape the loneliness I felt. Then the guilt set in, what have I done? Sure i like the floor plan of this house better, but what have I done to my children? I have ruined their lives forever because they have to go through this.
The only things that kept me sane (and still keeps me sane) were my duties to my children, my husband and three amazing friends. Two were like sisters to me growing up and one of them started a journey that i wanted to emulate. She was shedding her depression and heading into a light-- taking control of herself and her attitude and moving forward. I wanted to do the same, but I wasn't strong enough yet.
I ate a lot of food to comfort myself with the 'loss" of my old ward. I had found my niche after eight years and how I missed fitting in! Everyone in our new neighborhood and new ward was nice. I really just felt intimidated. A lot of the sisters in my ward are very beautiful, super stylish, and thin. I told myself that they would never really want to be friends with someone as backward and "frumpy" as me. I was really wrong.
I had one negative thought and then another. Soon I was living in the land of negativity. One day I took my kids to school and planned how I was going to end my life. I was a mess.I didn't want too, not really. I just felt so much pain and wanted to escape. I wanted to be free of the darkness in my head. But I had struggled for four years to bring my youngest into the world and now I was going to rid him of the mother that had wanted him so desperately? I had to get it under control. So all ran away to my happy place the hair salon. If I could afford my own personal stylist I would. There is nothing more comforting to me than someone else doing my hair. I think it comes from all the times my sister did my hair for me growing up or the times my mom would play with my hair as I lay my head in her lap at church.
We did have a great week when the kids were out for Spring Break. We went to the Happiest Place on Earth and I was happy, very happy. I love Disneyland. I think I love it more than my kids do.
Having spring come always makes me feel better. I get more light and I want to be outside working in my yard. Also these months were full of "tender mercies" like Elder David A. Bednar said. The first tender mercy that Heavenly Father gave me in the new ward though was calling me to be on the Relief Society committee. I was able to get to know a few ladies in the ward and to also help out with birthdays so I was able to put a few names to faces and also find out where people lived. So forgetting about myself helped a lot.
May: I had a much needed trip to see my brother and his family in the Boston area. We had such a great time, except I was still living in my funk and even though I was in a new environment. I was still with myself. I wish I could have spent more time. But my sweet sister in law is very perspective and I wasn't fooling anyone. She is sweet and kind and tried to help me, but I was so embarrassed and thought that I needed handle everything on my own. Things got tense, and I felt bad. I did the only thing I know how to do some times--run away. I think I should have stayed longer. I know she can help me. I hope she will. Maybe next summer I'll drive out with the kid and we can all have fun.
The next tender mercy was when a sweet sister asked me to substitute for her leading the music in Primary because she had just had a baby. Teaching music again woke me up and helped me to feel comfortable. I have always loved teaching music to people, especially children. I was able to substitute for two months and I got to know the kids and some of the teachers in Primary.
June: Having the kids home and constantly being busy was good for me. I thrive when I have my kids around me. I was doing so well now that I thought I could go off my antidepressants. Big mistake! I had head aches, nose bleeds, and I was irritated with everyone and everything in my path. I was not healthy. I was at the bottom again. I thought that I needed to leave my husband and children so that they would be happy. I even started looking for jobs and apartments.
July: I went to the doctor's and had a physical. I started a new antidepressant and I started to read a book called "The Depression Cure" by Steven Someone. It was a recommendation from one of my "sisters." It has been very helpful. I really enjoyed it but I have got to take it one step at a time. It has been helpful. I worked my way through the book. My doctor also said I should do something fun just for me. I found a silly computer game I like, but I like it and it helps. I also know I can play the piano and sing, it always works. I also got the desire to write my novel again that I have been working on for the last eight years. You can follow my other blog about this karenpainter7.wordpress.com.
The next tender mercy was when a great lady organized an eight week challenge in our ward. I did well with the challenge and then lost ten pounds over the eight weeks. I felt good when I did everything on the list, but freaked out if I missed anything on the list and did not get 100%. I'm such a 'Scarlett O'Hara". I would tell myself, "You missed one thing on the list today so your whole day was a waste. You are a waste, etc.". Even thought I had completed 80% of it. Wow. What a horrible perception! But one tender mercy from doing the challenge was that I got to know other ladies in the ward and realized that they all struggle with things just like me. I found some very good friends in this neighborhood and I really love it here now.
One day a sweet lady in my neighborhood showed up on my door step and brought me an audio recording. She said she had the impression to bring it to me. I listened to it and it really gave me some great tools to start working with. I started creating a gratitude journal and writing down my negative thoughts. It has been very helpful--when I do it. :(
Then I started seeing a therapist ever couple of weeks and it helped. But i haven't seen him since the end of November and I have needed that accountability. I think I will go back to him after the holidays.
So I have made some progress-- maybe not as much physically as I would like, but I am getting there. One day at a time. Baby steps. Baby steps to exercise, baby steps to eat right, baby steps to the bus, baby steps to the lake. Before I know it, I will be SAILING!
