Weight loss rewards

Step in to the light.

Step into the Light

By Karen Painter

It doesn't matter where I am

They always find me. 

It doesn't matter what I do

They always find me. 

I cannot run, 

I cannot hide.

Because my demons are inside me. 

I want to scream

to shake

to fight

but they just bind me. 

It is so simple

they way it begins

one gray thought

and then another. 

But all too soon 

the storm rages and

I'm covered.

Soaked

I huddle 

broken 

Ready to give.

But I can't.

I won't.

I want to live. 

It is so simple 

the way it can begin

one spark 

and then another.

Soon the fire rages on

Buring my desire.

To win, to fight

To overcome.

I can.

I will.

Step into the light.

Day 6

Days 4 and 5 were the weekend and I had a couple sick kids and a lot of chores etc.

I did make me a reward sheet for when I lose some of the weight. I will have to take a picture and post it tomorrow.

However, I did have a mental melt down last night. Even now that I am trying to recall it, it seems so stupid. It was just allowing the negative thoughts to step in and take over. I tried to write them down, but man they were nasty! I felt so horrible. I really wanted to run away, but it is hard to run away when you hear the negative voices in your head wherever you are.  I was in tears as I tried to get the negativity out of my head an onto the paper. I have learned though that those negative thoughts are not me. I believe that they are bad spirits that Satan sends to drag me down. In the scriptures it reads, "(Satan) wants all of us to be miserable like unto himself."  He wants to drag us down to his "misery and endless wo."  I was allowing him to attack my physical appearance, my ability to to parent, and my ability to be a good wife to my husband.

I have so much to be grateful for!  I have a body. It may be carrying a lot of extra pounds right now, but it is my body!  I can walk, I can talk, I can sing, I can hold my children, I can see the beautiful world around me, I can feel my husbands arms around me, I can smell the comfort of bread baking in the oven. I do not have any major diseases that rack my body with pain. I really have so much to be grateful for.

My focus needs to really be on getting healthy. Yes, I desperately want to lose weight, but really my true desire is to get healthy.

My main desires are: 

1) To break free from the darkness and walk into the light, to truly be happy.

2) Have more energy

3) To be a better person than I am now. 

I am going to do the following just this week to take steps towards my goals. Planning ahead is good, however, I have found that you have to be flexible when you have kids. Especially when they are sick. 

Physical:

Tuesday: 45 minutes of Zumba (my instructor is the best) One day I hope to be like you Angie. You are absolutely amazing and truely beautiful. 

Wednesday: 45 minutes on the elliptical

Thursday: 45 minutes of Zumba

Friday: 45 minutes the elliptical

Saturday: 45 minutes of Zumba

Write at least one thing every day that I am grateful for, continue to write down negative thoughts and let them out of my mind where they can't fester.

Day 3

Day 3

Today I felt so much more refreshed after a good night's rest.  I got the kids off to school and then the little one and I went for a long walk.  We walked about 3 miles. It was so nice to feel the sun on my face and enjoy the last of the bright fall leaves.  It was also neat to see a large cement truck filling up a foundation for a new house near our neighborhood.

I felt pretty bad about myself today as I got ready and decided that I was due for a hair cut so I went to a salon for a trim. I love having someone else wash, cut and comb my hair.  I also picked out some color to cover my ever whitening head of hair. (But hey, someday I will make a super cute Mrs. Claus au natural) I decided to pick up a salad at my favorite place Costa Vida for lunch with the little because my kids get out of school early on Fridays and I didn't want to go home and then turn around and come back in fifteen minutes.

When I got home, I ate a piece of chocolate because I "deserved a treat because I did so great at exercising." Ugh! As L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables would say I fell into the "depths of despair." One little Halloween candy bar and my whole life is ruined now! The onset of negativity attacked me and made me defeated within minutes.  Minutes!

Negative voice: "Wow, Karen, you just ate a piece of candy, I thought that you were going to go 'sugar free."

"You will never lose weight now if you continue to eat this stuff."

"See you shouldn't make these kinds of goals, you are such a loser. You will never amount to anything. You certainly will stay fat FOREVER."

Wow! In the past, I would feel so bad, I would comfort myself with another piece of candy and then maybe another.

I didn't! Yeah! One tiny victory for me today. I decided to blog about it instead.

Now let's start to overcoming negativity but attacking it! Let's attack the statement and add another positive statement.

1) Today I did get a lot of great exercise.  I enjoyed the beautiful world around me and I got to "soak up the sun."

2) Yes I ate a piece of candy and it isn't good for me, however, I have turned to food and crap as a way of rewarding myself, comforting myself, and even fighting boredom for these last twenty years and I am not going to change that just within one day. "Hello, my name is Karen Painter. Too much chocolate will give you diabetes. Prepare to die!"  I have to give myself time. At least I ate one instead of five!  I will get better as I find more positive ways to reward myself, turn to writing or my husband and friends for comfort, and find better ways to channel my boredom (like getting outside with my kids)

3)  I want to be sugar free. I truly do. I need to take it one day at a time. If I have a little victory every day, then eventually I will be victorious!

3) True. If I only ate junk food all day then yes I would never lose weight. However, I did eat a very healthy breakfast and lunch. I still have a great chance of good eating ahead of me. I can do it and I will.

4) I can make as many goals for myself as I want. I am strong and I can do hard things. I am not a loser. I am a great mother, a loving wife, a good friend and a skilled writer. I have brought three amazing boys into this world. They are all of the reward I will ever need. I have a hell of a lot more life to go. I am only in my mid 30s. I hope to still be kicking around way into my 90s.

5) I will not stay fat forever. I will lose the weight and I will also lose my battle sugar and with negativity. I will become someone I have always wanted to be.

Now to just keep this type of dialogue in my head-- not the running list of negatives.

I was able to take the two younger kids to a park while we took the oldest to a piano lesson. I realize that I have become one of "those moms" who just looks at their phone (I am usually reading a book), but I decided to put it down and just play. "Play, play, play and shake it off, shake it off."  The kids and I played tag and if you ran to touch a tree then you were safe.  Then we played "Red light, green light" and "Mother May I." It took me back to the times I was a kid playing at my friends' house.  I want my kids to remember me as a 'fun' mom, not a mom who doesn't do anything with us.

I struggled with making dinner. Who doesn't want to just order pizza on a Friday night?  I tried a new recipe and it really wasn't the best. Sometimes I let the attacks on the food I make, turn into personal attacks. Just because my husband doesn't like the chicken that I made, doesn't mean he doesn't like me.  How ridiculous! I have become a much better cook over the years and that is just one recipe I do not need to repeat.  Yet I let one negative thought take me away to negative land tonight and because I beat myself up with other negative thoughts, then of course I felt depressed.  I then comforted myself with more of my kids' stolen Halloween candy. What a mess! It is a cycle that needs to be broken!

There was a cute thing that I saw on Pinterest today though about picking more notable rewards for myself for meeting my weight loss goals--that are not associated with food. I thought it was funny that she posted how she used to reward herself with an ice cream from McDonald's and a Big Mac.

http://burchikins.blogspot.com/2014/01/weight-loss-reward-chart.html

I just go for Reeses' shakes at Artic Circle or grab some kind of chocolate.  Oh chocolate the bane of my existence!  Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography, I am addicted to the rush I get for just a minute from chocolate. It really can't be any other kind of candy. Chocolate is the only fix.  But then I eat more to get more of a fix. It is a horrible cycle. Maybe I just beat myself up so I can feel bad so I can justify eating crap??




So this will be my assignment for tomorrow, is to make my own reward list. ;) Maybe I just need a good old fashioned sticker chart. I think I will get some Volkswagen stickers and Rainbow Bright and Strawberry Shortcake. I think I will also need some She-Ra ones.

Day 2

Day 2:

Wow. It is amazing how fast the adversary works on you when you become deteremined to change for the better.  I didn't sleep well last night.  We have had a little man with strep throat around here. Then in the middle of the night our second child came in because he was scared. But then he said, "Why am I naked?"
That freaked me out. I went to see what was going on. Apparently he had got up to go to the bathroom, but didn't quite make it. I found his soiled clothes on the floor. He must have just stripped and then got back into bed.  It was very amusing, (but cleaning the floor wasn't very.)

Yesterday, we scored an older elliptical for $75 so I hope to start using tomorrow after we bring it in tonight from the garage.  I always enjoyed using the machines at the gym. It will be so much more convenient to wake up early and go downstairs.

I must be getting sick as well though because I have absolutely no energy today. I got up and got the kids' breakfast ready, ate some Rice Krispies with a banana, made my kids' school lunch and then promptly laid down on the couch until it was time to drive them to school.

I felt pretty horrible today, but was still able to drag myself into the shower and have enough energy to clean up dishes and fold some laundry, but that was it.  My head throbs as I just sit here right now. I did make me a "Reese" peanut butter protein shake with chocolate protein, spinach, bananas, ice, 1 scoop of peanut butter for lunch and along with piece of gouda cheese and one slice of wheat bread.  I read stories with my little guy until we both go sleepy and then we fell asleep.  Then I did not resist the urge to steal Halloween candy. Oh well! I will do much better tomorrow. Here is to feeling better and to keeping my thoughts positive today when my body is very exhausted.

Day 1:

November 5, 2014

I didn't sleep too well last night. We had a little monkey in the bed with us. He is not feeling very well and I spent last night at after hours care with him.  He has strep.  I woke up around 5:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I just got up. I am trying to drink more water so I filled a 32 oz bottle and drank about 1/4 of it. Then I went into my basement and put on a Zumba DVD and danced. I really like it. The music is fun and the movements are not too hard to follow a long with. I may not be a great dancer, but at least it is an activity I enjoy. I am hoping the monkey feels better tomorrow so I can go to my actual Zumba class at the rec center. I love the instructor. She is very fun and also inspiring. She made up her mind to lose forty pounds a few years ago and she did it and has kept it off. She found Zumba and loved it so much she became an instructor. I really enjoy her class.

I got the kids' breakfast ready and decided on scrambled eggs with a bit of cheddar cheese for breakfast. I drank more water and had a banana as well. I hurried to get the kids' lunches ready (I will work on making theirs more healthy after I get myself taken care of) and then we headed off to school.

After we dropped the older kids off, I showered and took the time to do my hair and make up. I may not like my reflection right now, but I WANT to. Part of taking care of myself is treating myself nicely and I feel like I look nice when my hair is done and I have a bit of makeup.

Then I cleaned up and bit around the house. I really need to listen to music or books on tape when I clean because that is when the negative thoughts jump into my head.  I don't want to put them on here, but let's say the negative voices are now attaking my resolve to start changing my life. They don't like it too much. They want to beat me down to stay how I am. I am happy to say I wrote them all down as I went (15 negative statements later!) and I was able to let them go. I think I need to start singing "Let It Go" when I do. It is annoying enough that it would drown out the negative voices for just a minute. ;)

The negative voices like to work on my role as a mother especially. With my little guy sick, he hasn't wanted to do much--but watch cartoons and eat popsicles.  The voices were telling me that I was a horrible mother because I had not made him get dressed yet. Wow.  So easy to combat that. Two positive statements. I am a good mother and it is okay that my son is still in pajamas. He is sick for heaven's sake and he needs to take it easy.

Now on to planning my menus for the next week so that I can feel prepared and I don't find myself stopping at a drive through or stealing my kids' Halloween candy. :) I like to use sparkrecipes.com.

Lunch was a spinach salad with chicken and a little bit of ranch dressing. We then went grocery shopping. I felt very peakish--so I had a "natural" granola bar. I'm sure it wasn't too natural and then when we got home I stole some pie crust off of my husband's birthday apple pie from Monday.

How do I begin to change?

Here I am, 35 years old and I am finally ready to make major changes in my life. I want to become healthy. Healthy can be so many things for so many people. Right now, being healthy for me means that I am going to make a lot of changes physically and mentally and emotional so I can be the kind of person that I want to be.

My physical goals:

1) Lose 50 pounds

2) Learn to prepare my meals in advance

3) Cook healthy meals for my family

4) Drink 64 oz of water each day

5) Live 'sugar free'

6) Try new physical activities (tennis, swimming, ballet, hip hop etc.)

7) Run at least one 5k

8) Never, ever, ever give up.

Here I am as of last Friday with my cute preschooler. I am fifty pounds overweight. I am starting near the 200 lbs mark.

This is where I want to be in 16 weeks (March 2015) down to 175 poundss.

This is where I would like to be by August 18, 2015, our 15th anniversary. I would love to be back down in the 150-160 range (and my hair a bit longer too.) ;)

We are planning a trip to San Diego or Cancun with just the two of us for a few days and I would love to feel sexy again while I am at the beach.

My mental goals: 

I have suffered from depression for the last twenty years. As a child I was not the smallest person in my group of friends. I got my full height in 6th grade and always felt so much bigger than everyone else. I wasn't treated to well by people close to me and they said hurtful things. I believed them. I believed for so long that I was not worth anything until I met a great guy when I was in college who honestly treated me better than anyone had my entire life. He made me feel beautiful by the way he talked to me, by the way he looked at me, by the way he went out of his way to take care of me. However, I did not treat myself that way and now 15 years later, I am allowing myself to listen to the negative voices that have become so routine in my head and so I am consistently feeling down and depressed.  The only way to describe it is from this link
http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it

I hope to become more positive by:

1) Keeping a journal of the things that I am grateful for each day

2) Looking for the positive in each situation

3) When a negative thought comes, immediately writing it down and then letting it go. Once I fill a notebook, then I will burn it! 

4) Doing things for others and getting outside of my own head

5) Opening up my communication with God again and becoming more humble and patient.

My emotional goals:

When I was a kid my mother cooked with pressure cookers because we had a large family and she wanted to have dinner on the table faster. I was always afraid to take the pressure cooker off of the stove. I was so afraid it would blow up in my face.  I feel like sometimes I keep my emotions inside this pressure cooker of my head. I let them build up and build up and then I explode. 

It is important to me to become emotionally healthy:

1) I will have positive thoughts. Positive thoughts turn into positive emotions and positive emotions turn into positive actions and then I will get the positive results that I want.

2) I need to be honest with my husband--when he asks how I am, I need to be truthful-- I had a bad day today and I really hate my hair I need to have it dyed (again), etc. etc.

3) I need to be honest with my kids (when you do this, it makes me upset, please don't do this) etc.

I need more help. Please do your jobs. 

4) I will meet with a counselor once every few weeks to hold myself accountable for my goals. 

I hope to: 

1) Take one day at a time

2) Blog about my journey (good and bad experiences)

3) Make a "to do" list to remind myself each day of my steps toward my goal

4) Reward myself for meeting my goals with anything BUT FOOD. 

4) Enlisting the help of my sister and my therapist for accountability.

5) Making this blog public so anyone who wants to can follow me in my journey. 

Losing weight is just part of my journey. Along the way, I am hoping to 

1) believe in myself again

2) love myself again

3) shed the weight of depression and anxiety

4) become "sugar-free" and release myself of my sugar addictions.

5) find healthier ways to deal with stress

6) become more positive (the kind of person that I like to be around)

Okay so hear is to my new journey!